I am crabby. I've been crabby for several days, for various reasons, which I'll spare you. Strangely enough, though, they're all three-letter words.
Want to help cheer me up? Tell me a joke or funny story in the comments. The one that makes me laugh the hardest will win a jar of Montana huckleberry jam.
Here are a few jokes to get the party started:
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive ..."
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. He steps up to the bar and the bartender says, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate says, "Aye, and it's driving me nuts."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
A pony walks into a bar and orders an ale. The barkeep asks if he wants a bottle? "No, I'm a draft horse."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
8 Comments:
What do you call a cow that has no legs?
GROUND BEEF!
A bunch from the Poetryetc list, just today:
Q: How many software developers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I'm sorry, that's a hardware issue.
***
How many dogs does it take to......
These are the answers from dogs when asked "How many dogs does it take
to put in a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can
I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was
a light bulb?
***
Dave: Cute! (But kind of sad, too ...)
Sharon: Very funny! You got some giggles out of me on that one!
heh, the list keeps contributing:
How many internet newsgroup subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
1,331 !!
1 to successfully change the light bulb and to post to the newsgroup that
the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light
bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".
6 to condemn those 6 as puerile.
156 to write to the newsgroup moderator complaining about the light bulb
discussion and its inappropriateness to this newsgroup.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this newsgroup is not about light bulbs and to please take
this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this newsgroup saying that we are all use
lightbulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this newsgroup.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy
the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected
URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this
newsgroup which makes light bulbs relevant to this newsgroup.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers
and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the newsgroup that they are unsubscribing because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
44 to ask "What is a FAQ?"
4 to say "Isn't there always a FAQ on Usenet?"
43 to ask "What's a Usenet?"
41 to propose a new newsgroup alt.change.lite.bulb.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, send it
there.
FUNNY!
Via email from my best friend, Michelle:
The lights have gone out and George Bush is sent to change the bulbs. How many excuses will he need?
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: "Light Bulb Change Accomplished; God bless this Light Bulb and the job it took to get done."
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;
8. One to viciously smear No. 7;
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
These are excellent and really did bring a smile to my face. Thank you!
Would you mind very much if I nicked the 'bar jokes' and posted them over at my place? I'll credit you...
[PS the 'bra' one is my favourite - I've heard that one before... lol]
Alda, the bar one is my favorite, too. Of course you can share these jokes. You don't have to credit me unless you really want to ....
That reminds me, I think I owe Sharon a jar of jam!
And, BTW, I am feeling much better now, thanks.
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