Monday is my fifth anniverary of quitting smoking.
I was 13 when I lit up my first clove cigarette. They smelled good, seemed exotic, and my friends and I rationalized that since they were cloves, not tobacco, they weren't dangerous. Heck, it was an herb, it was probably good for you. I liked the initial head rush, the relaxing sensation that followed, the feel of the clove cigarette in my fingers, the way I felt sophisticated and mature. I bought my Kuta Kreteks and Djarums at a head shop in the nearby mall for 95 cents a pack. At first, those ten cloves lasted me a week, but before long I was going through a pack a day. Out of necessity, I switched to plain old Marlboro 100s, which were cheaper.
At 15 I was sent to a boarding school in Montana where the headmaster made us roll our own. He reasoned that it would make us more aware of our addiction than smoking "tailor-mades." Eventually the school banned tobacco altogether, and I quit for ten months. But then, living in San Francisco, I started dating a guy I'd known from the school. He smoked, and soon, I caved and joined him.
Over the years, I kept trying to quit again. I'd make it a day, a week, a month, three months. Then I'd be hanging out with a friend who was smoking and think, "Well, I'll just have one ...." Or life would come crashing down on me and I'd need a cigarette. No matter how many tax increases were voted in, no matter how broke I was, I could always scrape together enough change for a pack of cigarettes. I grew to loathe them, even while I continued to smoke. I hated being a slave to the addiction. I hated the nasty, phleghmy cough I developed. I hated the stink I knew was there even if I couldn't smell it.
But I loved loved loved the deep sense of calm that sank into my blood when I took a drag. It was a shortcut to peace, a meditative break from whatever I'd been doing, a social-anxiety soother. It was a ritual that delivered.
I moved back to Montana, went to college, turned 30. In the summer of 1998, I drove to Florida on a summer internship, determined to return a non-smoker. I managed for a while, then started again (too much stress), but came home a closet smoker. I no longer felt like a smoker. I didn't want people to see me as a smoker. So I woke up in the morning, drank my coffee and inhaled three or four cigarettes in a row, then showered and didn't smoke again until I returned home at night to finish the pack. I might've fooled people if it hadn't been for the cough.
I tried Nicorette, Wellbutrin, cold turkey, weaning. I wanted to quit so bad, but withdrawal felt like being strangled. I kept starting, stopping, starting again. I had nightmares about burning buildings, embers glowing in the ruins.
Dec. 19, 2000. Christmas vacation. Pneumonia. I felt like I had a sack of cement on my chest. I felt so awful that for the first time in eons, I didn't even want a cigarette. Nine days went by before I felt well enough to smoke again. But I didn't smoke. I kept going, and it was hard, but it got easier. I was 33 years old. Without intending to, I'd smoked for twenty years. Finally, I'd quit.
I've had one drag since then. Two summers ago, partying with my best friend in Georgetown. She wouldn't let me smoke hers, but when the flirty bartender left his lit cigarette untended in an ashtray, I swiped it. One drag. It was awful. I thought, "What the hell am I doing?" I put the cigarette back in the ashtray, realizing I didn't really want it after all. It was then I knew I had truly kicked the habit.
8 Comments:
Woo-hoo and Congratulations! I have never been a smoker. I tried it in high school; one of my girl friends – a very cool smoker – tried to teach me. I took an enormous drag and then promptly threw up. That was the end of my smoking career.
Sounds like you beat it. It must feel great! Good for you.
Congrats!!!! My five-year anniversary was in the summer so I know what kind of accomplishment this is for you! Here's to another five years of non-smoking!
Nancy, count your blessings!
Thanks, Vanx and Neva. And congrats to you too, Neva. Doesn't it feel great?
congratulations! I have been a non-smoker (mostly) for about 9 years now. I tend to have about one a year - two last year, but only one drag off of a clove this year. That said, I dont have any desire to start up again - it was so hard to quit that I dont want to go through all that again.
How funny - my 5-year anniversary is also right around now. Actually, I quit in the early spring of 2000 (I don't remember exactly when), using the patch. Yeah, it gave me welts for 6 weeks, but quitting was worth it. But then my birthday rolled around (December), and the bar was SUPPOSED to serve food (but didn't), and a friend was there that smoked the same brand I used to. Three pints of beer and two cigarettes (and no food) later, I needed to be taken home. That was the end of that. If I ever get a craving (doesn't happen often, but still), I just rememeber how god-awful hard it was to quit, even though I really, really wanted to. I do NOT want to go through that again. EVER. Congrats to all us quitters!
As a former smoker, I can relate. I was talking to an associate and was surprised to find out she too was a former smoker. I have so much admiration for her personal and professional successes so I asked how she managed to finally quit and she told me that she told herself, if she quit now, she could start again when she was 50. That was about 20 years ago. I reminded her she'll be 50 soon, she just laughed.
Laura, you're lucky you can just have one. I think if I smoked a whole one, it'd be all over. I have nightmares about it!
Cat, thanks for stopping by! No, we definitely do not want to do that again. Congrats, indeed.
Sarah, I've heard of people doing that (quitting with the provision that they can start again later). But I think once you get accustomed to being able to breathe freely, and smell clean, and not have that nasty addiction, you wouldn't want to go back!
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