Everything that moves
loves
and is afraid.
~Madeline DeFrees
I asked The Cowboy one night just before Christmas, over dinner at the Red Bird wine bar, why he was attracted to me. I'd seen a picture of his son's mother and was surprised to learn that she wasn't big.
"Most men are either attracted to skinny women or big women," I said to him. "But you're attracted to both?"
He didn't hesitate -- he said, "That's not what matters to me," and he reached out and touched his hand to my chest. "This is what matters," he said. "The heart."
I was speechless. He mentioned a few other things, like class and style, and told me his first real love, back in junior high school, had been a girl about my size. I stared off into the distance, and he waved a hand in front of my face.
For so long, I've dreamed of someone who would want me not in spite of my body or because of it, but for who I really was. I thought a man like this was a mirage, a silly fantasy, but there he was, sitting across the table from me.
I don't know why he's stopped calling.
Maybe I was too needy. Too insecure. Maybe it has nothing to do with me. Maybe he was too afraid. I don't know.
We'd agreed early on that we wouldn't fall in love. He'd already had two marriages, two families, and wasn't looking for more; I was -- am -- still hoping to find my life partner, maybe have a child.
I held up my end of the bargain. I never gave him my heart, although I cared for him. He was never unkind to me; he just sort of fizzled out. I guess that happens sometimes.
Maybe he'll read this, maybe he won't. Maybe he'll call, maybe he won't. Whatever, it's OK. I can let him go with gratitude -- because now I know anything's possible.
7 Comments:
Hmmm... it's a tough thing, the wondering why or why not someone is attracted, why or why not it doesn't work. I don't know if there are ever any helpful answers. We just feel what we do, and then sometimes, we don't.
But I know plenty of men who are attracted to lots of different body types. I don't think I'd want a guy who wasn't attracted to more than one kind of woman... that speaks of obsession, to me.
You're beautiful. Just be open, don't wonder why. Just let yourself be appreciated, too.
And if you figure out how the hell not to fall in love, hold a class. I can never stick to that.
A lot of thoughts swimming around about this. I'll come back to it.
In the meantime, it's good to have you back.
But I know plenty of men who are attracted to lots of different body types.
Really? Maybe I'm just too negative. I generally assume every man has a type, and I'm not it.
And if you figure out how the hell not to fall in love, hold a class.
Well, to be fair, we really had some significant incompatibilities. I'm a liberal, artsy, never-married, independent type .... He's a conservative, blue-collar, twice-married family man. There certainly were things about him I didn't particularly like ... but I guess I had hoped our mutual attraction and similar sense of humor could carry us for a while.
It was just really nice having a man around for a change .... dammit.
Maybe he stopped calling because you need a vacancy in that area to get what you really want. Dream big you beautiful girl, they may not be any harder to fill than our meager half bargains we tend to settle for "in the meantime".
I found U thru Leeza's blog......
This was beautiful.....it really touched me. Have U considered...it had nothing to do with U? He may be wrestling with something .....boys dont do that whole ..."sharing" thing we do =)
Blessed be....sistah...M
big mike explains all (or at least some) -
Some real-life reasons (which might be apparent to the non-callee) that men don't call -
* he doesn't call for a few days, procrastinates a few more, then doesn't want to feel like a heel for not calling - she's probably moved on anyway
* the man feels like he can't offer what the woman wants (possibly a sign of insecurity or low self-esteem)
* laziness - romantic relationships can take a lot of effort
(I realize none of these ease the pain/annoyance/confusion of the non-callee.)
Thanks, Granny. Do you think putting up a flashing neon "VACANCY" sign on my website would help? ;-)
DrM2be, thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. Yeah, I think he's wrestling with something, I just don't know what for sure.
Mike, so sweet of you to try and explain .... I suspect a little of all three, especially the second item. And as the dust settles, I find I am less inclined to blame myself.
Moving on ...
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