I'm feeling very proud of myself -- I renewed my gym membership today.
I'd let it lapse last semester, when my credits dropped below full-time and I was no longer required to pay the student recreation fee. I was too busy (I told myself) and had hardly gone at all over the previous year or two. But now I have no excuses -- I'm done with school, the gym is MUCH less crowded during the summer, and as a staff member, it's only 21 bucks a month.
Three years of grad school, work, stress eating, junk food, fatigue and little exercise have left me in the worst shape of my life. I refuse to loathe myself for it -- I do not buy into the societal bullshit that says I'm worthless because I'm fat. Nor do I believe fat is automatically unhealthy or unattractive. I long ago retired my sick little fantasies of becoming model-thin, and frankly, I don't care if I ever see size 10 again.
However, I don't feel good in my body right now. A few years and not all that many pounds ago, I at least felt strong and reasonably capable, if not exactly fit. But now even mild exertion leaves me breathless, sweating and sore. Not to mention the fact that approaching the big Four-Oh makes me increasingly aware that cancer, heart disease, diabetes and high blood pressure are within the realm of possibility.
I'll admit it: I desperately want to lose some weight.
Please -- don't leave me comments containing well-intentioned diet advice. Believe me, I've heard it ALL before. I'm not stupid. And nothing pisses me off faster than listening to people who have never had a weight problem -- or who think 20 pounds is a problem -- pontificate on how easy it is to lose weight if only you blah blah blah ....
This is an issue I've been trying to deal with for pretty much my entire life. I keep thinking that one day I'll figure it out. Actually, I think I have figured parts of it out. I've learned, for example -- after visits to two different dietitians who told me the same thing -- that I don't eat enough in the daytime. Truly, I am often revolted by the thought of breakfast, and when I'm busy in the middle of the day, I actually resent my body's need for fuel. I used to frequently go all day without eating a thing. (And then wonder why I binged at night!) Now I work hard at eating regularly, and consequently rarely binge anymore. I still make bad choices, though. Pasta, nachos, fried foods ....
I've done well on a few of my New Year's resolutions (I graduated, blogged less, kept flowers in the house and quit drinking Diet Coke!), not so well on others. I'm still trying to get off simple carbs -- sugar, white flour, potatoes -- having been convinced by numerous books that these set off addictive processes in the body.
One of these books, "The Truth About Beauty" by Kat James, has become almost a bible for me. Kat says (and I believe her) that, "It's impossible to predict the day your demon will let go, but it will if you continue to shed the layers of issues that feed it." Also: "By correcting your mood, food, and hormonal issues, you'll find your body will want to move."
Goddess, I hope so.
In the meantime, I will celebrate every small victory -- and walking in the door of that gym today was one of them.
11 Comments:
Right on, good for you girl! The most important part is better health.
I belong to a gym here in Helena but it's easy because I work there. I joined the Bootcamp class so even when I don't really feel like it I'm still motivated to get out.
If you ever need a hiking buddy, I'd be there.
Have fun!!
Erg... What about pontificators who think 10 pounds is a problem? That would probably be me - oddly brainwashed into desiring flat abs and bulging biceps. But, yes, like Rachel I'd love to do a hike some time - or if you'd like motivation to get into the gym regularly, give me a holler as well (I try to get there 4-5 nights a week between 6 and 8pm). Good luck and congrats in any case.
sounds great. i actually liked the rec center when it was empty and i didn't feel so self-conscious. good luck! it's all about feeling healthy, not reaching some magical number...have you been hearing about "fat skinny" people: people who are skinny and just as unhealthy as supposedly overweight people? interesting. also, check out this magazine cover of beth ditto! it rocks!!
Congrats to you for taking the steps, Patia. You probably have read enough of my own musings about weight and exercise to know it's something I struggle with too. I've been big forever, and also know I'll never be like one of those dudes on the cover of a Men's Health magazine either. For me, it's about being as good as my body can be, and being able to do the things I want to. I have been on the 3 steps forward, 2 steps back thing for a while, but at least I'm moving forward.
As for the fat vs. thin, love-the-body-you-have thing, I think that is a double-edged sword. I haven't bought into the notion of what is beautiful that Madison Avenue has established, but I think the flipside is just as skewed. Yeah, I'm a big guy, but if I was my body I'd be pissed because it deserves better than pizza, burgers, fries and having its ass sat on. I'm shooting for somewhere in between those two extremes. Anyway, best of luck to you!
Rachel: Wait, you're in Helena? I thought you were in Missoula? I'm confused. Would love to go for a hike -- a very slow, easy hike -- with you sometime, though!
Justin: Well, I realize it's all relative, but I just don't want to hear it. When people bitch about their 10 or 20 pounds, it makes me wonder what they think of my 100 or so pounds. Not that I care, of course. ;-)
A hike would be good! But I'm pretty sure I'd die if I tried Mount Sentinel right now; how about the Kim Williams Trail? And I'm planning to get into the gym twice a week between 7 and 8 p.m., so I will look forward to seeing you there.
I bought running shoes today. That counts, right?
April: I saw the Beth Ditto cover -- it's fabulous! I think she's lovely, and wonderfully feisty.
I've also been hearing about "fat skinny" people, and I think it's hilarious. It's about time those lazy, sanctimonious, naturally thin folks get brought down a notch or two. :-)
Chris: The fact is, not all fat people live on burgers and fries, just as not all skinny people avoid them. No matter what our size, we should strive to take good care of our bodies, but also to love and appreciate them as they are.
And in my defense, I have to say I make a lot of good choices, too. I DON'T eat a lot of burgers, and I love me some veggies.
I think you read Fatshionista, but I saw something there the other day that made me want to run out and have it tattooed to my left thigh or something:
"I took much better care of my body when I stopped hating it."
I am slowly, slowly learning to stop hating my body, and my body is responding by slowly, slowly getting to a place I can feel good about. It's so much for me about forgetting the scale and concentrating on how I feel--how I feel when I eat certain foods, when I don't eat enough, when I overeat, when I work out and don't, etc. The concept of "intuitive eating" makes a lot of sense to me.
Anyway, take care of yourself. That's the key, really.
Patia,
The next time I plan to be in Missoula I will let you know or if you're coming to Helena give me a shout on Messenger or email and we'll plan a hike.
I'd love to go!
"Chris: The fact is, not all fat people live on burgers and fries, just as not all skinny people avoid them. No matter what our size, we should strive to take good care of our bodies, but also to love and appreciate them as they are.
And in my defense, I have to say I make a lot of good choices, too. I DON'T eat a lot of burgers, and I love me some veggies."
Patia, I hope you realize I was speaking about myself when I made my comment about eating too much crappy food. I was mainly speaking of my own encounters with people chastising me for being down on myself for the condition of my body, when I am well aware how I have treated myself and that I am very much my own making. I can't ignore that.
Hi Nicole. I agree that we're a lot more likely to take care of our bodies when we aren't hating them. ... You're in Livingston? Hmm, I must check out your blog!
Rachel: It's a planl.
Chris: Don't worry, I wasn't taking it personally. But I think the self-loathing I sense coming through your comments is bumming me out ....
It's just that, this culture is so twisted and puritanical about bodies. We're supposed to look just so, and if we don't, we're supposed beat ourselves up for every transgression -- a burger, a piece of cake. Fact is, we're fighting a lot of stuff here: Genetics, survival instincts (mmm, fat!), processed foods everywhere, overly busy lives that make it difficult to eat well .... The list goes on.
I just think we -- myself included -- should be kind to ourselves, even when we'd like to do better.
as I approach the big 50 it is getting much much harder to maintain the weight I am at..
I find myself gaining weight far too easy...if you think it is hard at almost 40 just wait the "fun" really begins after 45...
I know this post is over a week old, but I felt compelled to ask: what's wrong with Diet Coke?
On second thought, don't tell me. I don't want to know because I became addicted to a daily Coke Zero in an effort to get away from fruit juice.
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