It's only paranoia if they aren't really out to get you.
My satellite Internet has been wonky for weeks now. I keep climbing up the ladder with pruning shears (heights and sharp, pointy things, not the best mix) to trim branches, but it's still only working sporadically. It's extremely frustrating. I'm half-tempted to ditch my Internet for the rest of my time
here in the cabin.
Over at GreaterFalls.com, I'm getting roundly stomped on for my efforts to explain why allowing pharmacies to pick and choose which prescriptions they fill might be a bad idea.
My final words on this subject: When I was a 14-year-old girl, the only thing standing between me and an abortion was access to birth-control pills. Think of me what you will.
Twenty-five years and 100 pounds or so later, though, times certainly have changed.
Yesterday I finally got around to asking a longtime friend if he had feelings for me. I had been fine with our just-friends status for some 12 years, until a few months ago when he sent a mix CD, then another, filled with songs of waiting and wanting. Lest you think I'm totally imagining things, a sampling:
Dan Hicks, "My Cello": Check what's on page 92, there's a recipe for loving you. It's a cookin' little recipe, all you're needin' is a fellow. Why couldn't that boy be me? I'm as mellow as a cello.
Dan Hicks, "By Hook or By Crook": Well, listen close if you really wanna hear what she does to me, each time we're near. Come this July I'm going to put it in a book. I'm going to get her by hook or by crook. Yeah, I'm going to get her, it's just a matter of time, I'm going to lay it on the line ....
Nick Drake, "Man in a Shed": ... This story's not so very new, the man is me, yes, and the girl is you.
Maura O'Connell, "When Your Heart Is Weak": What's the matter with the way we look? Surely it's not the end. I've only meant to make my emotions clear. You worry too much if it's understood. Should we be seen as friends? Seems like a real good beginning right here. When your heart is weak, I'm going to pick the lock on it. ... I'm mighty patient when I have to be -- you have given me that. Still, I look forward to the day you let me in.
Maura O'Connell, "I Don't Know Why": I don't know why the sky's so blue, I don't know why I'm so in love with you.
Lou Reed, "What's Good": ... That's what life's like without you ....
Kenny Loggins, "This Is It": Are you gonna wait for a sign? Your miracle? Stand up and fight. This is it. Don't be a fool anymore. The waiting is over.
John Coltrane and Johnny Hartman, "They Say It's Wonderful": They say falling in love is wonderful. So wonderful, so they say.
Hot Tuna, "Hesitation Blues."
Yeah. Well, I had some internal wrestling to do -- this guy would be perfect for me in some ways, not so perfect in others. I'll leave it at that. But I finally decided that any man who harbored such apparently romantic feelings about me deserved a chance.
Oops. Turns out he had no clue. Says his only romantic feelings are toward himself, although he did mention an ex-girlfriend .... He's properly chagrined and apologetic, of course, because he is a decent guy.
I can't help but feel humiliated and stupid. Again. I've shed a few tears of self-pity and righteous indignation today. I do get tired of being the sexless fat friend, the one guys like to bounce their romantic troubles off of because I'm "safe."
Fortunately, my serotonin levels are cranked so high that I don't care nearly as much as I otherwise might.
Let's just hope they don't decide to quit filling my Prozac prescription.
8 Comments:
First of all, I want seratonin, too!
Next up, good job asking about the feelings-I don't think I've ever been that brave. Friends of mine were just good friends until she decided to propose to him--he says the best thing he ever did was say yes. They've had almost as many anniversaries as you have had birthdays.
Next thing is where do I get seratonin???
So what if you get dumped on. You're tough, you're beautiful and smart and hard working. You can take it for somebody who isn't tough and beautiful and smart or hardworking and doesn't know how to stick up for themselves yet(I'm thinking young and poor).
Been there myself this past week, as I go in whiny detail about on my site. : ) I'm bouncing back...hope you are too.
maybe he thinks you are kindred spirit- you could relate to all those songs....????
was it too cruel though?
at least you know...
Anyone who is a regular composer of mix CDs should know the basic rule: the songs create a mood or express an emotion. If you're not romantically interested in the recipient, don't create a "I Can't Live Without Your Arms Around Me, Sweet Baby" CD.
> he sent a mix CD
> Turns out he had no clue
Hmm. Not to dis your friend, but I think he's in the running for the "least self-knowledge" prize. (Of course I don't even know him - maybe he just likes making mix CDs.)
Good on ya for taking the initiative to clarify the situation.
Haven't had a chance to stop by in a while but wanted to say hi.
Very brave of you to broach the subject with him. It takes a lot to stand out on that limb alone and the whole cd thing would be confusing.
Wishing you happy days girl. Feel free to shout at me on messenger anytime.
:)
Hello, read your post at the appropriate time. Joel has changed the TV channel on the remote and seems to be on a Bob Ross painting show. Bri and I refer to him as the Prozac painter. Didn’t know you took it. Took it once myself, and hated it. Glad it is working for you though.
About the guy thing: you were completely appropriate and brave. That is what I always liked about you, your bravery and honesty in self-expression. It is worthy of applause! I also have, on occasion, experienced similar situations. (Well....no that isn’t true, I would be mislead with a glance or just plain take on a challenge for the hell of it.) However, the outcome was still embarrassing at times. But what is the alternative if you choose to be true to your own thoughts, emotions and desires? And, what might you miss if you never spoke up?
With all of the pretend people and pretend friendships that we must endure in daily life, you are refreshing. (You know all of those relationships that you feel like you have to work at to earn respect, understanding and even a little appreciation) When you can tell a friend anything and hear anything from them (especially if it is true emotions and thoughts) and still be friends, then they are valuable! Perhaps the thing we should value most in life. Patia, to me you are one of the very few precious things that I consider dear in this life.
Love and admiration,
Linda Jane
Thanks, everyone, for the supportive words. I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner. Not having Internet at home has made life feel even more chaotic than usual ....
Granny, thanks for the reminder that I am fighting on behalf of those too young, poor or whatever to advocate for themselves.
Mike, he's actually a very sweet guy, but in this instance he was an idiot. And to be fair, I was kind of an idiot, too. I should have known better.
Linda, that's so very sweet of you. Thank you, dear friend.
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