Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough.--Emily Dickinson
I'm writing this Wednesday night and will upload it tomorrow at the office. Blogging from my Treo works in a pinch, but tries my patience (and my thumbs). As I write, I'm eating homemade huckleberry-peach frozen yogurt. The fruit is from the farmer's market; I left some of the berries whole, and the way they pop in my mouth is like tiny, sour explosions of delight.I'm feeling safer tonight than last night, having realized today that the fire is farther off than I'd imagined. I've relented and let the cats out again; I'm no longer mentally packing. The reality remains, though, that this fire season is one of the worst Montana has ever seen, and far from over. The evening news reported that today was Missoula's 46th straight day of temperatures in the 90s or above. The smoke is trying everyone's patience. My friends and I have joked that Montana really only has about three good months: half of May, June, half of September, and October. If snow doesn't come early.
These hot, smoky days make it easier for me to imagine leaving this state for someplace like western Washington or Oregon. I'm putting the finishing touches on my resume and getting ready to get serious about the job search. I feel conflicted -- excited, scattered. There are so many things vying for my attention right now, I don't know where to focus my energy.
I updated my Facebook status to, "Patia is ... trying to figure out how to be what I want to be when I'm grown up, which is now." And one of my (fabulous and brilliant) professors wrote in response: "Damn it, the universe owes someone as grown up and wonderful as you a living. May it happen soon."
I agree, damn it! In fact, that's one of the affirmations I work with most often: "The riches of the universe come to me effortlessly."
And yet, another part of me thinks the universe owes me nothing. I'm lucky just to be here, to be alive and to have most of my needs met. I try to remember to be grateful for all that I do have -- food, shelter, a job I mostly enjoy. But sometimes I feel such despair. The gap between my life now and the life I've dreamed of for so long seems ever-present. I've worked steadily toward my goals -- a career doing what I love, working from a peaceful, beautiful home of my own -- but two decades and three degrees later, those dreams seem as nebulous as ever.
What I really want to do, of course, is write. I didn't get that creative writing degree for nothing. But writing seems a silly little fantasy when there are bills to pay, doesn't it? And I knew the odds, knew I was taking a chance by going deeper into debt for a degree that would not really make me more employable.
I have to laugh at myself -- it's not as if I'm unique. I know there are millions of us out there, living our lives, working, dreaming, striving for something that seems always just out of reach.
I guess that's just -- life.
4 Comments:
Safe thoughts, and optimistinc ones headed your way from here, Patia. If only life came with a crystal ball!
I hope things are okay where you live. One of my best friends had to evacuate last night because her house was directly in the Black Cat's path. She and her dog and two cats stayed with me last night. The sheriff's office let her go back in today, but she's on standby notice to evacuate again.
Not having been a pet owner in nearly three years (my last cat, Lucy, died at the grand age of 19), I'd forgotten how! much! attention! cats and dogs desire. Now if only my last few boyfriends had behaved like that. Well, all except for the hairball barfing. That's not exactly sexy.
Carroll: Thank you for the positive thoughts -- and for reading and commenting!
Rebecca: I talked to my landlady today and she doesn't think we're in any danger from this fire, which made me feel better. She knows her stuff.
I feel so bad for the hundreds who HAVE had to evacuate. It must be so stressful and scary.
That's great that you were able to help your friend and her critters, hairballs and all.
yes, i've been following the news on the fires near missoula and i'm grateful we aren't there for that. it's a definite advantage over here---the rainfall. (disadvantage depending on the day during the winter). joseph campbell says if you follow your bliss doors will open for you. and i believe it. but you also have to pay the bills. damn. so there's a balance unless you get lucky, which I hope you do.
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