I swore off personal ads years ago after one too many bad experiences, but turning 40 got the best of me. For the past few weeks, I've been goofing around with personals on Match.com and OKCupid. I hate the fact that my body clock is running out, but I would really like to have a family in this lifetime, so here I am. Ugh.
So far I've gotten "winks" and "woos" from a few dweeby guys who live in, like, Michigan and Maryland -- despite the fact that my profile says I'm looking for someone within 600 miles. (I figure a day's drive for a first date is doable, if not exactly convenient.)
The one local guy who's "winked" at me is 5'5" -- even though I specified someone at least my height, 5'7". (Is that asking so much? I don't mean to discriminate, but I already feel like a giantess ....)
Then, apparently I answered some questions on OKCupid wrong, because now all my quick match candidates seem to be married, bisexual and/or polyamorous. (Uh, NO!)My top match on OKCupid is this guy in the pink and yellow. Seriously. According to OKCupid's statistical algorhythms, we are: "90% Match / 84% Friend / 0% Enemy." The good news, I suppose, is that he's straight.
Then, this morning, I logged on to find a message on Match.com from a guy named Alvin in Illinois. Here's part of it:
Hello Angel
How are you doing today..I hope everything is going well with you...I was searching for my soulmate then i saw your profile very gorgoeus and i decided to drop by and take
a look very well to be more sure of it...Well honestly your profile really match my matched I will love to know you better and see how its works...well I'm 44 years old single
for two years old now i do have a duaghter of 9 years that live with me ful time shes my whole world there is no day that goes by that i am not amaze by her she is my little Angel and i will want you to be my Big Angel..lol...am a very.Tallented man.Am 6'1 tall and got a good weight...Who I'd like to meet:I did like to meet just any Lady with good sense of humour that fears humanity and knows what she wants ,someone who has a real good behaviours and
presentable.
Multiply that times five and you'll get an idea of the entire thing. No paragraphs. Is it so much to ask for paragraphs?
And "fears humanity"? Wha ...?
Look, I know I'm not exactly a beauty queen, but don't I deserve better than this? I mean, I'm smart, I'm reasonably interesting, I bathe daily.
My friends tell me I'll find my guy when I stop looking. I'm sure they're right, but ... I don't want to wake up one day when I'm 50 or 60 and go, "Damn! I forgot to get married!"
However, if this keeps up, I will stop looking. A girl can only take so much.
27 Comments:
Seriously- Marriage is soooooo over-rated!
LOL- have you tried church? It worked for my ex.
Oh, yeah, just what I need -- a religious nutjob!
You know, nearly all of my married friends tell me that marriage is overrated. It's kind of frightening, really. Like, almost as frightening as dying alone.
Having one's profile on a dating site is like some sort of survey designed to prove that only women are actually literate. You say you won't date a man who's shorter than you - this ensures you get responses only from men who shorter than you and/or want to prove that short men suffer from Napoleon complexes because they want to wage war with you because you're discriminating with them on the basis of height. Yes I am - deal with it. You specify an age range and mention that you're not into dating men who are barely out of diapers - this provokes a rash of emails from 21 year olds (you know, those kids you see at the malls and on campuses who like like unbaked bread dough) because older women are in vogue. Half the responses tell you that your photo is not sufficiently revealing. The other half tell you that you're a slut for showing a bit of skin. Can we win? Doubtful.
Oh my gosh marriage is absolutely over-rated - listen to zenpanda.
I totally get the not wanting to be alone thing but seriously consider that most people after they get married wish they hadn't. I know it's only a piece of paper but it changes things....
really!
Have good days!
(coming to Missoula in February for a "Girls Day", we should all have coffee)
I did the eHarmony thing for six months. It took five months of sorting through the dross (My favorite was the semi-literate bodybuilder who announced that the five most inspiring things in the world were, in order: "MEAT. DANCE. BEACH. SEX. WEIGHTLIFTING." Uh, okay there, Captain Caveman. I like most of those too, but can we turn the caps lock off and form a sentence?) to find the one guy with a heart of gold. Unfortunately, things didn't work out, but I look back on our conversations fondly.
Ruth: Ha. Yes, it seems the few literate guys out there are not interested in me; I like to think I'm just too much woman for them. And those twenty-something doughy white boys might be good for some things (ahem), but marriage ain't one of them.
I actually had one guy tell me, in response to my very upfront profile description and pictures, that I wasn't fat. I wrote back: "Yes, I am!" He responded: "Not to me, you aren't." OK. I outweigh most offensive linemen, but I'm not fat ....
Rachel: Coffee! Definitely! Can't wait to meet you.
Rebecca: That's great -- at least he put sex before weightlifting! And spelled "meat" correctly. :-)
I don't know. Marriage may be overrated, but I sometimes think husbands are underappreciated. I see so many women who take for granted having someone to help with simple things like a ride to the mechanic, fixing stuff around the house, even just the responsibility of driving. I have to do everything myself. It gets old.
As a happily-married, reasonably-literate man, I think I probably should have avoided this thread. Heh.
Au contraire, Chris. You should offer advice and encouragement. Or better yet, fix me up with your single friends.
:-D
Hilarious. Yes, you deserve paragraphs andpunctuation!
I disagree with the marriage is overrated folks. I have been with my man for 11 years, married for two and couldn't be happier with the decision. I think you just take marriage and make it your own....the peops who feel trapped or avoid it all together feel like they have to fit into some sort or marriage mold. It doesn't have to be so narrow.
Why not give pinkish yellow a shot? I mean, I am dying to know what that outfit is all about!
i was wondering how you met rebecca, and now i know: the nutjob magnet
ohhh, Patia! Thanks for the laughs - 'fears humanity' indeed!
My advice (from a *very* happily engaged guy) would be to drop the dating sites; spend the extra time cultivating 'social hobbies.' If you like cooking, find a cooking class; literature, find a reading group, and so on. Sure these may be awkward at times, but they're awkward for everybody.
Getting out there and engaging in activities that you love and have fun with will bring out that inner goddess in a way that NO dating site profile ever can.
Hey, Nici, thanks for the encouraging words. I think it's the luck of the draw -- sometimes people get lucky in love, sometimes they don't.
And, maybe I just will take a look at Pink and Yellow. I haven't even read his profile (I'm SO unattracted to that picture!), but maybe he is my soulmate in disguise!
Matt: Heh heh. She hasn't revealed that side of herself to me yet.
Justin: That's excellent advice. Or would be, if I wasn't so shy/antisocial around strangers. I tend to assume the worst -- rejection -- of people I don't know, especially attractive men!
I think Mathew wins this thread.
I don't have any advice beyond what "dig this chick" and "buddhist philosopher" brought to the table; listen to them. Though I do know that dating sites can work okay for some people, at least as a starting point.
My first marriage didn't work out, and I swore off ever doing it again. Now that I find myself in #2 (er, that doesn't sound too good), it is awesome. Probably because we both learned the first time around (my wife was married once before as well) how things shouldn't be and are wiser because of it. We are pretty non-typical in our approach to things as well, which helps. I look at some of my married friends and wonder how they manage to make it work.
So I'm 1-for-2 in the marriage game, though I do get along pretty well with my ex. In baseball terms I'd be batting .500, and if/when my career ends, I'd totally be in the hall of fame.
As for my non-married friends, Patia, you should take it as a sign of my regard and respect for you that I keep you WELL AWAY from them. Degenerates, all of them. . . .
Chris: (LOL at #2.) I thought you might say that about your friends. Oh, well, it was worth a shot. About being previously married: I wouldn't mind a guy that was already housebroken (i.e., divorced). Sometimes I wonder who could put up with me -- I've lived alone for years. And kind of love it, actually. I think my ideal mate is someone who's gone a lot. A doctor? A trucker?
I don't know, I saw myself in the mirror at the gym today and thought, "No wonder I only attract freaks. I look like the circus fat lady."
Anyway, congrats on your near-Hall of Fame status. :-)
I saw myself in the mirror at the gym today and thought
You know, we pretty much all think that when we see ourselves in the mirror. I bet even the rail thin women ordering salads all around at the awful yuppy brewery/steak house joint where I had dinner feel that way. It's a cultural illness. Try not to play the game.
I wouldn't count on the guy in the pink hat in being straight. Maybe he just isn't sure yet. Either that or he's a pimp. It's funny that thats the best picture he had to post of himself.
Do you have an age limit on guys your willing to date?
Jen
As a "some days I'm happily married gal" who has been divorced- Being alone is scary.
I was "single again" for 10 years before I met the hubby. He is a great guy & yes- I have not always appreciated him. Marriage is WORK & that is way so many of us fail at it. The give and take of marriage is really something to be conscious of at all times.
Be happy as you are & someone will see you as the great person you are.
*hugs*
PS- I'll be on the look out for a tall, educated, nice guy for you! Do you mind if he is in the military?
So, I went and checked out Pink and Yellow's profile. There were other pictures in which he actually looked fairly normal (kinda cute bald guy). And a full size of the pink and yellow outfit -- you should see the boots! Pink patent leather. Hot damn. Anyway, he sounds very intelligent, interesting and funny, but way too wacky for me. A quote from his profile: "I am looking for a gay man in a woman's body." He doesn't want kids, either.
Next!
Jen: I've put down 30-50 for age limits. Ideally, I'd like to find someone within about five years of my age, but I'm willing to be flexible.
Chris: Thanks for the reminder. It's really nice to hear that from a guy.
Zen: About military men, it depends. I'm pretty anti-war, except in cases of defending our borders or humanitarian intervention. I would not be interested in the gung-ho pro-war type; however, I do know some servicemen and women who are very principled, thoughtful people.
And one of my biggest crushes EVER was on a former Navy Seal. He had this amazing combination of great looks, quiet strength and deep compassion. Mmmmmm.
I've tried the "stop looking and you'll find him" approach and it's not working either.
Hi Mahala, thanks for stopping by and commenting! Yeah, I knew I couldn't be the only one that it didn't work for.
I really can't understand why any of you women want a man anyway.
:belches:
:scratches ass:
LOL!!!
Hi Patia!
I can *totally* relate to this. I joined eHarmony about a few months into my time in Missoula because I had just moved there and didn't know how to meet people. Like you, I'm picky, too.
I have to say that while I wouldn't recommend doing it any longer than one month at a time (it's just too overwhelming), I ended up meeting some great guys, went on a few dates and am now friends with many of them.
No love connections, which is a good thing in hindsight because I met Justin a few months later.
What I can say, though, is that doing the online thing boosted my confidence and got me thinking about what I really wanted in a life partner. I felt that the quality of men I met on eHarmony was really high and I came away impressed.
If nothing else, it had me racing to my inbox for about a month. =)
Hugs, K
Hi Kelly! Yeah, I don't know if I can take much more of this. One month sounds about right.
If nothing else, I do feel it's "putting myself out there." It's like a big hello to the universe that I'm interested and looking. You know?
But then there's a part of me that just wants to hunker down and do my own thing and forget about dating and love. It's so energy-consuming.
Hey, sometimes you just gotta let the universe know you're showing up.
I hear what you're saying though...it can be a big energy drain. Still, there are times when the energy spikes, too. Guess it's all about figuring out which one there is more of and acting on it.
=)
No advice, except to say that in five years of living in Missoula I dated exactly one local guy--and that was in college, where meeting scads of people all the time was easy. For whatever reason, I always had more success dating men from outside the area. Sometimes I think the preponderence of young college women--the ones who may have not yet been visited by the hip fairy, for example--tends to skew the scene in college towns.
I'm crossing my fingers for you and hoping that somebody worth your time appears in your life.
Hi Nicole! The "hip fairy"? As in hips and thighs, etc.? :-)
I sort of feel like the kind of man I'm looking for is akin to a needle in a haystack. Attractive, intelligent, tough, compassionate, ethical, liberal, likes cats and big, opinionated women ....
I should probably play the lottery while I'm at it. The odds are about as good.
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