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Finally, the long-awaited personal ad post. Because sometimes, laughing is the only way to keep from crying.

First, just so you know what we're dealing with here, I'll share an excerpt from my personal ad. Variations of it have run on OKCupid, Yahoo Personals, Salon Personals and, most recently, Craig's List. (Hey, no one can accuse me of not trying.) After specifying that I was looking for a single male between the ages of 35-50 and within 600 miles of Missoula, I elaborated:

I'm looking for an intelligent, literate, liberal, affectionate nonconformist with beautiful eyes. A man who is passionately involved with life and believes it's possible to make a difference. A strong, sensual man who either prefers big women or who believes that beauty comes in all sizes.

I'm not super-picky about looks or "types" -- things like height, body size, hair length and eye color -- but there DOES have to be a certain spark .... For me, it's more about chemistry and confidence. And brains. I like smart men.

Unfortunately, I can count on one hand the responses I've received from men who actually seemed like they might fit the bill. None ever progressed beyond email and instant messenger conversations.

These are actual responses I've received:

I love large women...but they must be extremely busty, too...

This was from a 61-year-old man -- 20 years older than me. Okay, I'm not real hung up on age and I can think of a few older guys I'd relax the limit for -- Jack Nicholson comes to mind -- but some guy who's only interested in giant breasts isn't one of them.

Then we have the opposite end of the spectrum. I've received more than a few responses like this:

Hey there, probably out of your age range but I'm 22 year old male looking for a good time. I just moved here. Wanna chat?

Somehow I doubt we'd have much to chat about.

Then there are those who fail to notice I'm looking for someone single:

I saw your ad and think that the timing may be beneficial to both of us. I will be in Missoula the evening of September 18 and 19. I have personal business to attend to during part of the day of the 19th, but certainly can work with you to meet if we both agree.

I am a MWM, 49, 6'2, 200, brn hair with some gray, green eyes, average build, mustache but relatively little body hair. I am well educated and am a high ranking official in a large east coast fire department. I am not a player nor do I do this, just feeling the need to try something new. I will be traveling alone.

With the lead time we have it will allow us the opportunity to get comfortable and see if you wish to follow through. I do look forward to hearing from you. If not, best of luck and enjoy.

Beneficial?

Some guys are just too stupid to write more than two sentences, or can't follow simple directions, like "Please reply with a picture of yourself." The following are complete responses, no pictures included:

Hi, I'm 48 5'11" 180# divoced . love animals and outdoors. just lettin you know I'm out here waiting for someone.

Keep waitin'.

Am here surfing for someone to love and share dreams with.. message me if you here for the same reason.

How nice. Do you like candlelight dinners and long walks on the beach, too?

your my type of woman

You're not my type of man.

hi my name mike I like your profile but I do not being on the computer much so txt me if you would like @ 406-xxx-xxxx.

Uh. No, thank you.

Phone sex?

NO.

Then there are the scary guys.

One didn't write anything besides "im mike..." (a different "mike" from above), but did attach two photos. The first pic was of something pink and blurry. It took me a few seconds of squinting to figure out what it was. Ewww! A tongue! He sent me a close-up of his tongue!

But the second picture he sent was even creepier. It was of him, a rather ordinary-looking fellow except for his eyes, which were ... disturbed. I don't really know how to explain it. Serial killer-ish. In the picture, he's standing in an unfinished, stone and dirt-floor basement. Presumably, where he hides the bodies.

Finally, we have the guys who actually have been convicted:

Well, I just got out of prison after twenty one years (murder, they say, but I didn't do it)...and I need a sweet lady to help me get back in the saddle. I've got plenty of money, so I can help you out with rent, and nice things (my Aunt died while I was inside and left me a nice hunk of cash). I'm in good shape, good sized c**k but I know how to be gentle with a lady.

I inserted the asterisks to protect the innocent. The truly innocent.

Frankly, I'm over it. If I want comedy, I'll rent a DVD. I let my Craig's List ad run out a while ago and canceled my OKCupid account today.

Never in a million years did I imagine I'd be 41, unmarried and childless, but here I am, and it's a far sight better than being involved with any of the above weirdos.

posted by Patia  8:43 PM