Patia Stephens :: Missoula, Montana

Unplugging for a while

I've decided to take a vacation from the Internet during August. I did this last year and I'm thinking it may become a tradition.

Before I go to bed tonight, I'll unplug my always-on satellite Internet modem. I go back to school Aug. 29, and in the meantime, I have books to read, stories to write and rivers to float. Summer in Montana is too short, too precious, to spend it on the computer.

Of course, I'll still be online at work, so I'll probably check email once in a while. But if you need to reach me, your best bet is the old-fashioned way -- the telephone!

Enjoy your summer, everyone.

Make me laugh. I dare you.

I am crabby. I've been crabby for several days, for various reasons, which I'll spare you. Strangely enough, though, they're all three-letter words.

Want to help cheer me up? Tell me a joke or funny story in the comments. The one that makes me laugh the hardest will win a jar of Montana huckleberry jam.

Here are a few jokes to get the party started:

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive ..."

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. He steps up to the bar and the bartender says, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate says, "Aye, and it's driving me nuts."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A pony walks into a bar and orders an ale. The barkeep asks if he wants a bottle? "No, I'm a draft horse."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Virtually published

New West is again running one of my photographs on their home page today.

Tidbits

Yesterday at PetsMart I filled out an application for one of their "Perks" discount cards. By the time I got home, they'd already e-mailed me an advertisement.

***

We're putting Luna on kitty anti-anxiety drugs. Sounds extreme, I know, but so is waking up at 6:45 on a Saturday morning to a cat peeing on you.

***

Why don't manufacturers make notebook pockets big enough to actually fit an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper?

***

If there's a sure way to piss off your new neighbors, it's by ignoring the local laws and attempting to trademark a phrase near and dear to their hearts. Paws off the last best place, Lipson.

***

I want this splint out of my mouth. Now. Five minutes ago.

***

A new poll says that a majority of Americans want Karl Rove fired. However, the poll also shows that 25 percent have never heard of him. Which supports my theory that Bush voters are one of two things: greedy or ignorant.

***

Thank God it's Thursday.

Earthquake: Just a preview?

A small earthquake rattled western Montana last night. I saw the dishwater rocking and heard some logs creaking, thought "earthquake?" but figured I was probably imagining things. Within minutes, though, a number of other Montana bloggers confirmed it, and Kim, our MSU geology student, tracked down the USGS data. It was a 5.6 centered near Dillon in southwestern Montana.

Growing up in California, I've felt a lot of quakes, and I was living in Berkeley when the big 1989 World Series 7.0 quake hit. Coincidentally, I recently wrote a story for a UM research newsletter about the high probability of a 7.0 temblor on the little-known Flathead Lake fault. An excerpt:

Core samples and mapping ... reveal two geologically recent quakes of about 7.0 magnitude on the Richter Scale. The evidence confirms earlier discoveries made by the Bureau of Land Management that suggest the earthquakes occurred 15,000 and 7,700 years B.P.

Since those two quakes were about 8,000 years apart, and the last one was about 8,000 years ago, Hendrix says we're due for another one.

"Missoula has a significant earthquake risk," he says. "There is a very high probability of a major quake at any time, geologically speaking."

In terms of seismic activity, Montana, Hendrix explains, is second only to California. And since Flathead Lake is the largest freshwater body west of the Mississippi, a quake here could have additional consequences: "The seiching action could cause an inland tsunami," he says.

Thinking twice about that lakefront property?

--From "Core Issues: Flathead Lake research reviews secrets in sediment,"
Research View, spring 2005

Enough is enough

There are now more than 1776 Dead Americans. Actually, today's toll is 1777. That's 1777 too many, in a war that didn't have to happen.

Check it out

New West is running my picture of blanketflowers as the featured image on their home page today.

Adventures in Orthodontics

It's been two weeks since I had orthognathic surgery to advance my lower jaw. I feel like I'm mostly back to normal, except for all the hardware in my mouth, and the fact that I can't chew much, and that part of my lower lip and chin are completely numb. But I went back to work last Monday, and aside from being a little more tired and headache-prone than usual, I made it through the week fine.

I'm finding that I can eat just about anything if I cut it up small enough or whack at it with my Braun handblender ($25 at Costco and easily worth three times as much!). I can chew a little, but it's awkward with the splint and makes my jaw ache after a while. The splint is pretty annoying and uncomfortable -- its purpose is to train my teeth and jaw into their new positions. If all goes well I'll get it off Aug. 1. And I think all is going well. I've been really, really lucky in terms of recovery. I ran into a tech from my orthodontist's office the other night, and she was shocked that I had no swelling. Lots of people still have puffy cheeks months later.

The numbness is on the right side of my lower lip, chin and gums. It feels exactly like having couple shots of novocaine at the dentist. Numbness -- usually temporary, but sometimes permanent -- is the most common side effect of this type of surgery, because there's a big nerve running through the lower jaw. Hopefully my feeling will come back sooner or later. I think it's already improving, as I sometimes feel tingling or burning sensations.

Everyone asks if I'm in pain, and my answer is no, not really. The worst of the pain, early on, was like a really, really bad headache in my temples and below my ear. Now I just get a little achy at times, like when I talk or chew too much. It also hurts a bit when I knock my incisions, but I try to avoid that.

The worst part of the whole process is probably just feeling so self-conscious about all the junk in my mouth. I try not to care too much what people think. Having braces on hasn't really bothered me; I've almost felt a certain pride in them (I'm worth it!). But the splint and bands and numbness make me feel like Frankenmouth. Most people are really nice about it; they either politely ignore my metal mouth or ask questions, both of which are fine with me. The only bad reaction I've really had was when I was banded shut and a guy at the Pike Place Market said, "Whoa, Rubberband Mouth!" I just flashed a big tin grin and kept going. I thought it was more funny than anything.

A lot of people ask why I needed jaw surgery. Basically, my lower jaw didn't develop enough and so my bottom teeth were too far back. This was somewhat camouflaged by my prominent chin and the way my top teeth were tilted back. But when I decided to do something about my teeth, I had consultations with five orthodontists, and all told me that if I was going to do it right, I would need the surgery.

I was lucky; I didn't have the TMJ and headache problems that a lot of people have, although I suspect a touch of sleep apnea, another common symptom. My pre-braces bite was also functional, unlike some people who have problems biting and chewing. But I eventually would have developed problems with teeth wear. There was also my self-consciousness about my appearance, and the small but annoying fact that a bleach tray wouldn't fit over my crooked teeth.

An interesting thing I've learned from this whole process, though, is how adaptable we are. You adapt to a bad bite, you adapt to braces, you adapt to every change in your mouth, although it might be painful and uncomfortable at first. The human body is an amazing thing.

Pound for pound: Real women strike back

I am thoroughly enjoying the outrage expressed by Wendy McClure and commenters on her blog Pound in response to an offensive column by Richard Roeper in the Chicago Sun-Times. He wrote about his distaste for the "chunky" women featured on Dove's latest billboards. Frankly, I think these women are far from chunky, but I do find it refreshing to see real bodies in advertising for a change. Roeper is a jackass.

Five things I believe

The tankini is the best bathing suit style ever invented.
Fried oysters are better than pearls any day.
Romance ain't for sissies.
Montana is an excellent place to be in the summer.
Twin fawns are about the cutest things on Earth, even if they do grow up and eat all your flowers.

Thought of the day

It's a good thing I have cats. Otherwise, I'd have no one to talk to except myself. And that would be just plain nutty.

Day 8 after jaw surgery

The swelling is almost gone. (That's a bruise on my neck, not a hickey!)

Profiles: Before and after surgery

The photo on the left was taken Oct. 6, 2004, just before getting my braces on. The photo on the right was taken today, eight days after lower jaw advancement.

I think the difference is noticeable, but very subtle. What do you think?

Friday Cat Blogging: The picture that didn't happen

I didn't really get to sleep until after dawn this morning because of the bugs. (More on that in a sec.) But when I climbed into bed around midnight, Tango and Luna curled themselves around my feet, only inches from each other. When I got up at 6 a.m., they were actually snuggled together -- a first since Luna arrived eight months ago. I tiptoed into the other room and grabbed my camera, prepared to record the adorable moment. In the dim half-light, I focused the camera and was just about to snap the picture when Tango jolted awake, hissing at poor Luna for violating his sacred boundaries. Oh well.

About the bugs: Stupid, stupid me. In my pre-surgical anxiety the week before last, I decided to do some late-night remodeling in my bedroom. I tore up a perfectly good Ralph Lauren sheet and artfully stapled it to the ceiling to hide some unattractive patching. I dragged in a heavy log treehouse ladder that I'd salvaged a while back from a construction site and left leaning against the old outhouse while I figured out a use for it. I had just realized that turned on its side, it would make a perfect headboard for my new bed. I wrestled it into place, then entwined white Christmas tree lights and tiny pink silk roses around it. I laid my great-grandmother's afghan over the top. It was beautiful.

I woke the next morning to see a baby earwig inching its way along the ceiling drapery. Uh-oh. Although old log cabins are notorious for bug infestations, I hadn't seen any earwigs (AKA pincherbugs) since I had the exterminator out last fall. I sat up and inspected my new headboard, discovering three more infant earwigs emerging from the cracks in the logs. Oh, no! It was probably too late to dismantle everything and haul the thing back outside. Besides, I had a plane to catch in a few hours. Maybe they'd all be gone by the time I got home.

Since I've been home, I haven't found any earwigs in my bed (thank God!), although I've been on high alert. But I have found them in the kitchen sink, the shower and my freshly washed dishes. Time to call the exterminator.

What kind of girl are you?

I'm a combination of:
Progressive Girl
Gourmet Girl

Take the quiz.

(Thanks, Pandora!)

Cabin Sweet Cabin

Made it home tonight after a canceled flight almost had me spending another night in Seattle. It was a loooong day at the airport -- about eight hours. They ended up putting about 11 of us on a Kalispell-bound flight that made a "flagstop" in Missoula about 11:30 p.m. Seattle treated me very well, but I have had my fill of noise and crowds for a while.

My friend K took good care of the cabin and critters, and thoughtfully left me stocked with soup, pudding and popsicles. Luna was properly happy to see me, but Tango is playing hard to get. He almost came in the door, then changed his mind at the last second.

Everything looked good at my post-op appointment today. My swelling has gone down to the point where I wonder what is swelling and what is my new face. I saw my before-and-after X-rays today, and the change was noticeable, but not huge. In the mirror, my chin looks the same to me, but the back of my jaw seems wider. I guess the important part is that my teeth now line up where they're supposed to.

Made it!

Hey y'all, I made it through the surgery with flying colors. Everything went really well and I am doing much better than the norm in terms of swelling and recovery. I am actually surprised at how good I feel. I mean, I am sore and puffy and my lower lip and chin are numb, but I was prepared for worse, so I'm feeling pretty grateful and pleased. I have almost no bruising.

Even with the splint, I can tell my teeth definitely line up correctly now. My appearance doesn't seem all that different to me (same old chin -- sigh), but Gay says the difference in my profile is very noticeable to her.

Anyway, I've been up and around today and the surgeon said the surgery went very well and I'm well ahead of schedule in terms of recovery. I had a few scary moments waking up from anesthesia -- I was convinced the oxygen mask was suffocating me and fought the operating team. But once they let me breathe without the mask I was much better. And they were truly very kind to me. I have no complaints.

It was a beautiful day in Seattle today and Gay and I got out for some good food and shopping and walking. Life is good.

Surgery Eve

Just a quick howdy from Seattle before my surgery tomorrow morning. I'm doing pretty well so far, not too terribly nervous. It's helped that I've had a great time playing in the big city with two fabulous women. Couldn't ask for better distractions! Today was a perfect summer Seattle day. My day started with fried oysters and scrambled eggs at the Pike Place Market and ended with steak and king crab for dinner on the waterfront. Mmmmmm. No food after midnight tonight and clear liquids for the first 24 hours. I check in at the surgeon's office at 7:30 a.m.

I'll report back when I'm up to it. See you on the other side.

I'm off to see the wizard ...

I'm headed to Seattle in a few hours to have my face rearranged. Literally. My jaw surgery -- lower advancement to align my bite -- is Friday. At this point I'm more excited than anything. My cousin's picking me up at the airport, my friend Gay flies in Thursday, and I'm happy this is finally happening.

I don't know whether my appearance is going to change a little or a lot, but I will have the perfect smile I've always dreamed of. After eight months in braces, I'm already thrilled with the straightness of my teeth. The sooner I get this surgery behind me, the sooner I get the braces off.

Everyone asks me if I'm going to be wired shut. I won't be, but I will have a surgical splint (sort of like a retainer) wired into my mouth and elastics (rubber bands) for six weeks. It may be difficult to talk at first, but they say it gets better with practice. I may have a lot of swelling and bruising, or I may not. The most common side effect from this type of surgery is nerve damage, resulting in temporary or permanent numbness. My surgeon is one of the best in the field, so I'm in good hands.

I'll try to post an update or two from the road. Stay tuned.

I did it; you should, too

OK, I had to go look up "Power Law" on Wikipedia, and frankly, I still have no clue what it is (algebra? eeek!), but it sounds cool.

Cool shot of the day

Here's Luna and the old barn. I never noticed the perfect heart shape on her chest.

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