Patia Stephens :: Missoula, Montana

Snapshot: Morning visitor

7:30 a.m.
I wake from a strange dream. My landlords' dog, Blue, is barking outside. I get up, pull back the curtains and blinds, slide open the window, look out. In one of the corrals, slightly up the hill, sits what I think is a large, bushy red cat. Then I realize it's not a cat, it's a fox. Just sitting there, contemplating.

The one and only

Via MI Life.

HowManyOfMe.com

There are
0
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

These results weren't exactly accurate. I have met one other Patia in person. In Whitefish, Montana, of all places. I went to a moving sale in someone's house and freaked when I saw a box labeled "Patia Jo's photos." Her name was short for Patricia. I was named after my grandmother, Hypatia, who was named after Hypatia of Alexandria.

Since the Internet came along, I've discovered quite a few other Patias. It always offends me a little. How DARE they have my name?! I spent 25 years or so thinking I was the only one, so it takes a little getting used to. Silly, I know.

A reminder

"Beyond the deaths of more than 3,100 young Americans and an estimated 600,000 Iraqis, we have spent nearly $500 billion on the war, which has dragged on longer than World War II."

~ George McGovern, "Cheney Is Wrong About Me, Wrong About War," Los Angeles Times via CommonDreams.org.

Animal, Vegetable, Miracle

I almost cried today when I learned that Barbara Kingsolver -- my favorite author -- has a new book coming out. And it's about food.

"Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" will be released May 1. "Part memoir, part journalistic investigation," according to the website, the book is about the efforts of Barbara and her family to eat locally. Her husband and oldest daughter are co-authors.

The site has excerpts, resources and recipes. (Asparagus and Morel Bread Pudding, anyone? Yum.)

I'm ecstatic. I've loved Barbara Kingsolver since "The Bean Trees" -- "Animal Dreams" is my very favorite, though I also cherish her collections of essays -- and she's whom I aspire to be like as a writer. She combines sumptuous prose and exquisite descriptive detail with a deep concern for people and the planet. Her writing educates about issues of social and environmental justice without being preachy or dull.

I'm making a date with myself: On Sunday, May 13 -- the day after I finish school -- I'm going to spend the day sitting on a blanket under a tree somewhere, just me and this book.

Mists

Are machines taking over the world?

The previous conversation, continued ...

She: "The same day you sent this [article], I watched a little of the Today Show and they were talking about a company ... where people could set up an avatar of themselves and hang out with their "friends" in a virtual community.

"Now I think I am beginning to understand how machines are going to take over the world -- a little at a time and on the Internet. Pretty soon we won't need real people? Or face-to-face relationships? Hope I am dead before that happens! :-) "

Me: "Hate to tell you this, it's already happening! ... It sounds just like MySpace, Facebook and a hundred other social networking sites vying for world domination. (Kidding ... mostly.) I personally have many online friendships and already do much of my shopping and business online. Younger people are even more into it than I am. The current generation in college can't imagine life without cellphones, text messaging, email, the Web, instant messaging.

"But don't worry, I think kids will always want the face to face of partying, hanging out with friends, and other kinds of socializing. People will always need human contact."

Is print dying?

From an email conversation with a colleague yesterday, regarding Gerry McGovern's article, "The Twilight of Print."

She: "I was really sad when I read the following: 'Print content is often leisurely and flowery. Web content is lean and pared to the bone. Often, the best web content is not a sentence at all, but rather a descriptive link.' I still think we need to cater to those who are not into lean and pared to the bone and like leisurely and flowery sometimes -- and complete sentences... I know we live in a society that is on overload and needs to get information quickly. But maybe because I am older, I still like to be able to hold a piece of paper in my hands and read it at my leisure without having to be at a computer monitor. I like my morning paper and a cup of coffee in my easy chair -- especially on Sunday mornings...

Me: "I'm not sure books and magazines are going away anytime soon. People do like to hold them in their hands, and there will always be those who want to savor "leisurely and flowery" language. Not to mention those who want to read in bed or take a magazine to the beach -- a laptop just isn't as conducive to that kind of reading. I have experimented with reading books on my Palm, and while it's convenient for traveling or commuting, it's not what I want to curl up in my reading nook with.

"That said, I do think newspapers and many other types of print info -- newsletters, catalogs, brochures -- are going to increasingly fade away. (They already are.) The costs of printing them are too expensive compared with putting them online. Not just economic but environmental costs. Look at sites like New West -- I think that is the future of journalism. I also think that attention spans for this kind of "need to know" information are getting shorter and shorter. When people go to a website, they want specific information and they want it now. They want to be informed, but they don't necessarily want every nuance. Think about going to a site like WebMD -- you want info on your symptoms and how to get relief. You don't want flowery then.

"I wouldn't worry too much about your Sunday morning newspaper ... yet. :-) "

Too

busy.

And there remain things greater than us ...

Nature vs. nurture: Are killers born or made?

Too much senseless death in the past week. I find myself brimming with emotions and thoughts, trying to make sense of it all, wearing myself out in the process. I sleep too much, but at the wrong times; I surf the web and chat aimlessly with friends; I tackle homework and housework and paperwork in determined, futile sprints. I should go for a walk.

Thought seems divided on the Virginia Tech killer. The Missoulian editorialized that "There's just no making sense of it."

There's no part of this we'll all suddenly get once we think about it enough. Someone's walking into one of the nation's many bastions of freedom, empowerment and enlightenment to brutally murder more than 30 innocent people and wounding a like number isn't something sane people ever will understand.

And the New York Times opined that "The killer in the lecture hall" may have been born evil.

Research is beginning to show that mean, sometimes outright evil behavior has a strong genetic component. .... There is something suspiciously psychopath-inducing in some people's genes.

I think it's a mistake to write off Cho Seung-Hui and other killers as simply evil or insane. It's a cop-out to not try to understand. While there's no excuse for taking another human being's life without clear and present danger, these people have motives, however twisted they may be. The picture that has begun to emerge of Cho is of a young man who was bullied, teased, excluded and laughed at until he felt he had no other options. He said, "You forced me into a corner."

Furthermore, his disturbing writings -- two plays featuring revenge fantasies against pedophiles -- suggest he may have been molested at some point. Take a kid who's been victimized sexually or physically, add in bullying and social exclusion, and you have a volatile mix. You have someone who's pissed at the world. While the NYT writer pointed out that "neurochemistries ... can make people act in bizarre and dysfunctional ways," she failed to mention that dysfunction also can shape our neurochemistries. Low serotonin isn't just a cause, it's also a symptom.

As AlterNet asked, "Is the scene of the crime the cause of the crime?"

When you use a word as inherently meaningless as "evil" to describe something as complex and resonant as Columbine or Virginia Tech, you are desperately trying to recover the amnesia that once protected you and told you how blissful and innocent your own school years were. The fact is that the schoolyard shooters were clear about their intentions: They wanted to "pry your eyes open." But sometimes we don't like what our eyes see; in fact, we refuse to believe what they see.

While Cho almost certainly had genetic and chemical "wiring problems," would they have ignited without provocation?

It sounds as though many did make an effort to reach out to him, to intervene, but once a person has begun to feel persecuted, they begin seeing the world through the lens of persecution. When you have experienced prejudice a few times -- whether racism, sexism, sizeism, any -ism -- you begin seeing it everywhere, even where it doesn't exist. And when you allow those experiences to shape you, you create your own reality. Cho was treated like a freak, so he acted like a freak, which became a miserable, self-perpetuating cycle until its horrendous denouement.

Let's face it -- there is an awful lot of bullying, mockery, better-than-thou behavior that goes on in this society, especially in schools, which are merely a microcosm of the larger culture. If you stand out from the crowd in any way, you're a target.

When ancient tribes wanted to punish someone, what did they do? They stopped talking to them, cast them out of the community, left them to fend for themselves. Social ostracism was a fate worse than death. It still is.

It is our nature as human beings to form tribes, alliances and hierarchies. It is how we organize ourselves, how we compete for scarce resources. It is how we survive.

But sometimes, it is also how we perish.

Get MADD: Missoulians Against Drunk Driving

I must have driven by this moments after it happened last night. I saw a police car with flashing lights stopped at Toole and Waverly. I was passed by two more police cars flying by with lights flashing.

Missoula Cyclist Killed in Hit-and-Run (New West)

So, so, so sad.

I have been thinking a lot lately about getting a bicycle to ride at least partway to work. I even had a conversation with my friend Don the other night about what kind of bike to get and the merits of helmets and other protective gear. I want to drive to the river trail and ride from there, because riding on city streets scares me. (At least as much because of fat harassment as because of cars.)

But this isn't about me.

In Montana, when you hear about bad things happening to people, you hold your breath because odds are good it's someone you know, or someone that someone you know knows. Montana is a small town with long streets. And Missoula is an even smaller town with narrow streets.

Please, people, don't drink and drive.

Lux et veritas

A sad day

As a student and employee on a university campus, today's events at Virginia Tech have hit pretty close to home. Heck, as a human being, they've hit pretty close to home. My heart aches at the sadness of it all.

I'm also impressed by the coverage the Collegiate Times student newspaper has been posting online throughout the day.

That's really all I have to say.

Word up

I just created a new Flickr album called "Word" to collect all my images that celebrate language in one way or another. (Because really, there aren't 30 other things that I should be doing.)

This photograph is from my July 2004 visit to the World Trade Center site in New York City. Its subject was part of a spontaneous altar that had sprung up on Liberty Street, the (aptly named) alley that runs along the site's southern edge.

Inspired by Senor Codo's set, "May I have a word with you."

Dreams vs. reality

From today's Missoulian:

Last month, the Missoula Organization of Realtors reported that the median price of a Missoula home was $206,850 -- up nearly $20,000 over the past year alone. To afford the median-priced house in this town, you'd need a household income of more than $58,000. The median household income in Missoula, however, is just $43,200. What that means is the average family can't afford the average home in our town.

("Flipping out: People trying to make a quick buck
help drive up the price of housing in Missoula")

Yesterday I went to the second in a series of classes titled "Getting Ready for Home Ownership" offered by the local nonprofit HomeWord. My dream of buying a home after I'm done with grad school in May is looking increasingly unrealistic. We filled out a worksheet with our incomes, expenses, mortgage interest rates and so forth. With my income and student loans, turns out I can't even afford a home half the local median price.

Depressing.

Evening walk

On timing and good fortune

After hearing all the great things about last year's BlogHer conference, I decided I was going to try to go to the next one. When conference dates were announced a few months ago, I mentioned it to my boss, and also asked the chair of my Creative Writing Program if there might be any travel funds available.

Last night, the BlogHer folks sent out an email announcing that registration was open for BlogHer Conference '07, scheduled for July in Chicago. So today I emailed my boss a proper request; she responded asking for a rundown of costs, which I sent her. About two minutes after that, I received an email from my program director notifying me that I'd won a scholarship for travel expenses!

How's that for timing?

The scholarship isn't huge, but every little bit helps, and it may make the difference between getting to go or not. (And as always, I truly feel that the best part about winning scholarships is not so much the money, but the vote of confidence.)

Sometimes I stop and look at where I am and am astounded at how far I've come. (Education really is the key.) I only hope that someday I will be in a position to give back some of the good fortune I've received.

HeART and soul

A collage I did for my Art Appreciation class. The assignment was to take a symbol or icon of our choice and use it in two collages that invoked very different feelings in the viewer. The other collage I did used ads for diet programs and weight-loss supplements. (One of my favorite squares said, "Your body is toxic!") That collage turned out bland and ugly. This one's much prettier!

Just because

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops, at all.
~ Emily Dickinson

Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent.
~ Victor Hugo

The main thing in one's own private world is to try to laugh as much as you cry.
~ Maya Angelou

St. Ignatius Catholic Mission

Happy whatever

Not feeling very talkative (blogative?) this weekend. Worked the UM egg hunt yesterday; sore and sunburned today. Slept till noon. Need to clean my house, do some paperwork and some homework. Later, I'm going to make Creamy Fettucine with Asparagus from Martha's new "Great Food Fast" cookbook.

I'll simplify my usual "Easter as pagan fertility ritual" lecture to the following:

The English name, "Easter", and the German, "Ostern", derive from the name of Germanic Goddess of the Dawn (thus, of spring, as the dawn of the year) - called Easter, Eastre, and Eostre, in various dialects of Old English.

~ Wikipedia

More links:

Eostre on Wikipedia
The Pagan Origins of the Easter Bunny on About.com

Weird album cover art

From retroCRUSH via the divine Neva, Miss Feva.

I don't know, looks to me like Johnny's got a Handle on her.

Now, that's just creepy.

Reason No. 87 Why I Love Flickr

I get emails with subject lines like this:

"You are Big Fat Juicy Thong Booty Lover's newest contact!"

Flathead Lake

I admit it

It's possible that
I am a complete fool.

What dreams may come

I'm planning to buy a house later this year. That sounds way more confident than I actually feel about it. I'd been saying, "I'm hoping to buy a house when I'm done with school," but then I realized I needed to speak more affirmatively. So now it's, "I'm planning to buy a house." But the doubt remains. Why?

New high for housing: Median price now $206,850 -- out of reach for many (Missoulian, March 9)

That median price is far more than I can afford as a single, professional woman in this town -- especially one with student-loan payments the size of a small mortgage. The bubble seems to have burst everywhere but in Missoula.

I haven't given up hope yet. I went to the first in a series of home-buying courses offered by homeWORD in January. (I had to drop out when the NYC trip came up, but will sign up again.) The mood in that first class was cautiously optimistic. The presenters said the market was tough, but there were a lot of programs and options to explore.

In the meantime, I dream. I read home decor magazines and books, I plot color schemes and flooring materials, I scan classified ads. I admire others' houses in Flickr groups like Corners of My Home and Pretty Organized. And I try to exercise fiscal discipline so that I'm in the best possible position when the time comes to apply for a mortgage.

What kind of home do I want? For some reason, I'm drawn to big old houses with peeling paint. It's been said that subconsciously, houses reflect how we feel about ourselves. It's probably true -- I do see myself as sort of grand and derelict on the outside, but beautiful (and tidy and a little quirky) on the inside.

(None of these are my photos -- they are from my Flickr Favorites. If you click on an image, you will be taken to a bigger version. From there, you can either click on a link to the original image, or click on "All Sizes" to see a bigger mosaic.)

A friend recently asked why I wanted to buy a house. Why wouldn't I want to stay in this charming little cabin forever? Well, the mice, for one; the lack of a washer and dryer, for another; and then the diffuse idea of being able to have everything just so. Just the way I like it. Of course, that's also predicated on having the funds to make it so.

For now, I'm just dreaming, and gathering information, and refining my wish list. I went to a couple of model homes at Canyon Creek Village, a development with new, cute and affordable (by Missoula standards, not necessarily mine) houses that also happen to be crammed together like sardines in a can. Not for me. I need space, privacy, quiet.

I visited two modular home dealers. Uck. You gotta figure, when the models are falling apart at the seams, it's not a good sign.

For all my love of peeling paint, I don't think I have the energy for a fixer-upper. If I want a nice house, I may have to make some sacrifices. A long commute, maybe. Or telecommuting. Or maybe a move to someplace where incomes and housing prices are better aligned.

I don't know how it's going to happen. But I do know that one way or another, when the time is right, with enough focus and intention, it will happen.

Sunday Afternoon with Tango and Luna

Tick warning

It's that time of year. In the past week or two, I've found several ticks on myself, my cats, my landlords' dog. Keep it in mind if you (and your furry friends) go out for a walk. I wasn't even in any tall grass on tonight's walk, but discovered one cruising around on my sleeve shortly after I got home.

Links:
Tick on Wikipedia
Tick Tips from the CDC

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